Lessons I Have Learned in Marriage

What are the lessons I have learned so far in marriage? Well, I am so glad you asked! In addition to our routine marriage meetings, I take every year to reflect on how far we have come and I just try to take the time to be grateful for the life God has given us. Out of this year’s reflection came the 8 lessons I’ve learned in 8 years of marriage (listed in no particular order). So let’s dive in!

1. Your spouse is not your competition

I know this sounds like a “duh” moment, but this is one thing I had to learn early on. My husband is an extrovert, in tune with his needs, and is successful in multiple parts of his life. When he would take care of his needs (i.e. shopping for new clothes, hanging out with friends, etc.) I used to be “in my feelings” because I was not doing those same things. I actually felt like I couldn’t do the same things because of finances and motherhood. 

So unknowingly, I created this me vs. him scenario in my head which is definitely not healthy for a relationship. After working through these emotions and misconceptions I concluded that when either of us are “winning” we both are winning. The only way we came to that was through constant communication. Which leads me to my next lesson…

2. The problem is the problem, not your spouse

I learned this lesson from Pastor Cal on Married at First Sight! When a problem arises, the focus should be on finding a solution to the problem together, not playing the blame game. When Lawrence lost his job in 2017, there was clearly an income problem that needed to be solved. I did not berate him, make him feel less than, or blame him for this. Focusing on the solution allowed us to pray our way through and come out even more in love with one another.

3. Arguments DO NOT mean that your love is stronger

When I tell people that Lawrence and I have not argued, they are in disbelief. Society has us thinking that arguments build stronger relationships, but I am here to say that is not the case for us. Do we disagree? Absolutely! Yet, neither one of us are interested in screaming matches, purposely hurting each other, or high blood pressure for that matter. Any issues we have, we are able to discuss them in a loving manner. This is why our home can remain a place of peace for us and our children.

You still need your space

This may come as a shocker because my love language is quality time, but married couples need space too. Getting out, hanging with friends, or even an hour of quiet time daily are ways to make this happen. It allows you to gain clarity and perspective about life.

5. You must continue to work on your marriage

I feel like the word work is always equated to hard when it comes to marriage. Yet, the lesson I have learned is that it doesn’t have to be hard. We can have hard times and face hard things together, but working on our marriage doesn’t have to be hard. To me continuing to work on my marriage means continuing to date, having marriage meetings, reviewing our finances, understanding our communication styles, etc. I am not saying that these won’t be hard for us to do in the future (I pray they are not), but after 8 years of marriage I have discovered it just does not have to be that way.

6. It has to work for the both of us

In my recent blog about finances, I revealed that the way we handled our finances in the beginning of our marriage was not working for me. I always thought we were “broke” and he was always saying “we got it.” Something was clearly wrong with that picture. So we figured out a way to make sure the way we manage our finances worked out for both of us. This same thinking can be carried throughout multiple aspects of our relationship.

7. Make dating a priority

Notice, I don’t have a set number attached to this. As a mother of 3 young children, I understand the struggle that comes with dating your spouse (and don’t throw in a whole pandemic). But, making it a priority is a must. That’s how we decompress, learn more about each other, have fun with each other, and just continue to bond. Figure out what works for you all, put it on the calendar, and get connected with one another.

8. Knowing your spouses communication style is the key to good communication

When we got married, one of the main pieces of advice we received is: communication is key. Which I agree with. I just think it needs to go a step further and include learning how you and your spouse communicate when one is angry, sad, frustrated, etc. Because NEWS FLASH, they are not the same.

I had to learn that when I am frustrated I process my thoughts verbally and I look for feedback from my husband. Yet, when Lawrence is frustrated he tends to process these emotions internally and does not often seek my feedback. So if we’re both frustrated at the same time, there has to be some compromise in the pending conversation. Knowing this about each other helps us understand when and how to communicate with one another during those times. 

I am clearly not a professional therapist. And while I still have so much that I am looking forward to learning along this journey, these 8 lessons have allowed me to live a happy, loving, and fulfilling marriage with my wonderful husband of 8 years. 

What other lessons have you learned in your relationship? Let me know in the comments…