We have heard it a million times; communication is the key to having a healthy relationship. And yes, while this is true it also carries over into the relationships we have with our children. As my children get older, I’m constantly thinking about ways to make sure they’re able to come to me with their wants, needs, concerns, etc. I just want to keep the line of communication between us as open as possible.
Yet, the question becomes how to achieve this form of open communication with my children in a natural and organic way. Honestly, there’s not one method that is going to work for all of your children. In my opinion, the important thing is to never give up trying. I’m hoping to foster great communication methods with my children now so that as they become teenagers and adults, we can continue to build upon a great foundation. I am trying to achieve this by:
Reading books together
Reading books together has so many benefits! One being sparking conversation in a natural way. Not only do we read books before bedtime, but my son and I enjoy reading chapter books together. We are currently reading Black Boy Joy by Kwame Mbalia. Reading books together allows us to discuss real world issues like race, kindness, friendship, dealing with anger etc. Our kids have so many questions about the real world. They’re just waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up. The same is true on the parents’ side. We’re often looking for ways to bring up important topics to our children because we know that these conversations are important. Reading with my children has opened the doors of conversation in my household.
Eating dinner together
This is another piece of advice that we hear plenty of times. But it is so much more than just grabbing a plate and eating dinner in the same place at the same time. My husband and I are intentional about sticking to our dinner time routine as much as possible. There are no electronics allowed at the table, TV is turned off, and we all share one good thing and one sad thing about our days. Do these things always allow for deep conversations around the table? Of course not! But the opportunity is there and it is letting our children know they are being heard. It also allows my husband and me to understand how we can help our children have a better day the next day or build upon what they enjoy about each day. If you want to add more variety to the types of questions asked each day try these cards.
Praying together
If you are at my house at 8pm on a weeknight, chances are you will be pulled into our family prayer circle. We all take turns leading the prayer each night, even the three year old! After we pray, sometimes our children will ask follow-up questions about God, religion, or whatever we prayed for. Praying with our children also lets them see an example of how they can talk to God even when they feel they can’t confide in anyone else.
1:1 dates
While I enjoy spending time as a whole family, spending time with one child at a time helps me to build better relationships with my kids. It allows me to see their individual personalities more because I can truly focus on their needs and wants at that time. Doing something as simple as taking a walk together can open the opportunity for so many conversations. Again, it is setting up a natural space for discussions to happen organically.
We also have to understand how our children prefer to receive love and critique. The Five Love Languages of Children may help in that department. While I was washing my son’s hair, he made a comment that he felt I was “capping” on him based on a comment I made. I immediately began reassuring him that I would never “talk about” him in that way and that I was only coming from a place of love. So while we can joke and play with our children, I never want the door of communication to be closed based on a misunderstanding.
At the end of the day, I want to know that my children can come to me and confidently ask questions and have open dialogue without the fear of being judged or shut down. Part of my job as their parent is to keep them safe, and one way I believe I can achieve this is through our conversations. I also know that I am going to make mistakes along the way, but I will never stop trying to guide my children through loving and thoughtful conversations.
