Traditional Roles Didn’t Work For Us

“There is no limit to what we as women can accomplish” -Michelle Obama

Growing up in households of divorced parents, my husband and I were not able to get a first hand look at what marriage roles and responsibilities could look like on a daily basis. But, this may have given us more of an advantage than we thought. Since we did not have an insider’s view on how husbands and wives conduct themselves, we had a clean slate on how we wanted our marriage to work. Within our first year of marriage, we quickly found out that traditional roles and responsibilities did not work for us!

What do I mean by traditional? The main roles that come to mind for me include:

• Husband is the breadwinner
• Wife does all of the cooking and cleaning
• Husband has the final say
• Nurturing the children was left to the wife

Now, I can’t say that we intentionally tore down these traditional marriage roles and responsibilities in a stance for gender equality but, what I can say is we created a marriage that works for us. We both tackle the house chores, nurturing the kids, financial responsibilities, and we definitely make decisions together. Our motto is: if it needs to be done, get it done. The kids are not waiting for mommy to give them a bath; dad can do it too. Mom isn’t waiting for dad to warm-up the cars, mom can do it too. Now, are there certain marriage roles and responsibilities that we do more or are comfortable doing regularly? Of course! I’m the better cook, so I assume that role often. But, the expectancy isn’t there. Oh the laundry is overflowing? Well whoever has the time, will grab it first. 

I feel like this flexibility has allowed us to roll with the punches of life…and you will get punched!

For example:

First year of marriage:

• Our home was broken into
• We had to move in with my parents for 6 months
• I worked a part-time job but, was a full-time student
• My husband worked full-time
• We had a 3 year old son

Because of the circumstances surrounding our lives during this time, my husband had to support us financially and complete most of the household chores. Regardless if he was good at that particular chore or not, he to tackled it. It was not the ideal situation for our marriage but it is a sacrifice that we needed to make for our family. Yet, he also was humbled by the experience of living with in-laws and how this arrangement did not fulfill his desire to be the sole provider for our family at the time. 

And then there was another punch…

Third Year of marriage:

• My husband lost his job at the beginning of the year (which eventually led to entrepreneurship…I’ll tell you about that in a later post)
• We now have 2 kids
• I am in my 2nd year as a full-time teacher
• We now own our first home

To say that I was freaking out would probably be an understatement, just ask my husband! But, by the grace of God we made it through, even though our roles had to change. During year 2, my husband was able to provide financially for our family. Yet, with this life changing event, I had to step into that role. And we both had to fulfill the nurturing role for our small children. 

And if we had more time I could tell you about all the little sucker punches along the way, as well as the bigger ones that have gotten us all the way to year 7 of marriage. But, I honestly believe that not holding on to a “role” helped us to “bob and weave.” Can you imagine your husband losing his job, now you’re the only one working, and you have to take care of dinner and bath time daily because that’s your role? Or your husband not allowing you to take care of the family financially because he feels that’s solely the role of the husband? Listen, all marriages work differently but, for us, I think I would have grown to resent my husband. Not being stuck in a role allowed us to move through those situations and still remain solid and in love.

How do you feel about traditional gender roles in marriage? Comment below: